Leaf Collectors insomnia inspired

Leaf Collectors



Memories are like leaves
The ones that bring us enjoyment and useful knowledge go in our scrap book
The other ones that bring us despair are from the compost pile

Sorting through despair and painful memories is like sorting through a compost pile
We might find hidden pain bodies growing in there, causing surprise emotional winds

Memories are like leaves....created falling from each moment

The more time that goes by, the more the good ones fade.
The more time that goes by, the more the bad ones turn to mush.
As time goes by we'll see that the mush isn't worth sorting through, and gets messy when we do

NOTE: Earlier, I talked with an old friend. The past came back, and this leaf analogy was the only way to describe how I was seeing the past in my mind.

bill hicks life is just a ride

This is a more serious moment with Bill Hicks.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1RQmnSJoRg

zen quote of the day from my nephew

Earlier, my nephew and I were playing with Playdough..........he handed me some and said, "make something."

MisUnderstandings in a Lego World

(some of this was written April 14th, added to a draft from the other day)
I had a friend recently who said that life's as simple as "...just be here now." Earlier today(actually over the weekend), I had one tell me that all we have to do is "be here now" and that's it. Well, life is more complicated than that. I thought, "emotions aren't simple"....they're complicated patterns of energy woven into our memory, just waiting to spring into action under the right circumstances. They're sometimes attached to how our body feels. If you have a health issues, such as diabetes(sugar issues for example), you'll find your body doesn't consistently feel any certain way...but usually it feels crappy. For a while, especially early on, I would beat myself up for not being consistently patient, and consistently an example of Buddhism or any other Eastern philosophy that helped in my life. Eastern thought/Zen saved my life. I thought people can benefit from these things, but my health is wacky like I am..and people will look at my life and say, "Eastern thought doesn't look useful, because Jeremy(that's me) isn't bouncing around doing what I think he should to prove that Zen helped him somehow." Life is more complicated when it comes to communicating. People look for different traits that dictate whether someone has "cred" or not. A very useful thing could be thrown out, simply because of the messenger's perceived credibility.

This is our Rule of thumb moment(brought to you by ADD): Birds will get along at the feeders as long as there's enough food....but when the food gets low, they'll fight. It's the same with humans..the food gets low(or not enough rewards/accolades/attention to go around)..if we still have enough energy to fight/argue, our instinct to survive(in life or socially) will kick in....and compassion and understanding will probably go out the door. The fight can be about anything....even who feels they come away with the upper hand in an argument.....or who's the manliest of men even. In the end, it only means something to the person who decides to define it as something. We're creating our world, rendering our mental world each moment. Sometimes I have to make mistakes, find myself being a jerk, to realize that I don't have it all figured out and never will. Each new situation brings with it...its own structure.

interesting conversations
(This is a paraphrased composite transcript of SEVERAL similar conversationS I've had over the past year or so.....with a few different people saying similar things(basically)
My friend: Having all those books on philosophy don't mean anything if you don't apply them. It's like having a big tool box full of tools, and using a hammer to loosen a nut.

Me: yeah, that's why I've been saying that we have to learn about ourselves...take time to know ourselves, why we do things, what our own motivations are.... Even why we study things to begin with....we'll see what we're trying to get out of it, or understand...because we're building a case for things. I'm applying them, just trying to approach life in a new way...while unlearning old patterns. Expectations of ourselves or other people get in the way also. So, I might not look steady or consistent sometimes...if that's what you meant. I'm not sure what you're getting at...

Friend: If you were really onto something(had something special figured out), wouldn't you be out of the house more than you are? Wouldn't you be doing more than you are? Out with your friends more? Wouldn't you be unphased? [Wouldn't you be a success?] Would you ever find yourself frustrated like you get sometimes??

Me: Well, I don't have anything really special figured out, I still get confused in life, Eastern thought just has helped my life in a BIG way, and I think some people might find it useful...but not everyone. I'm not trying to convert or even make a big scene either really. Also, right now I think my situation could be improved, but my sugar issues don't allow me the consistent energy a lot of times to be as active as I used to be. As well as the mental energy that slows down as well...lethargy and stuff. And I'm not really up for getting out all the time partying like I used to do.....it really slowed down my self-learning in ways. Partying didn't help me much, sitting at home in the quiet figuring myself out helped more. I've been through the running around, partying with friends, and I have nothing to show for it really. I'm just taking things slow right now. ..getting situated. I'll have to pick myself up and I know that...no one else can do it for me. (feeling a sense of being completely made an issue on the table)

Friend: Well, I think its all in your head. I don't think you've got a sugar problem, i think its in your head man.

Me: No,.......I've seen my sugar as high as 325 in the past....its also been very low too at times. I haven't been able to test it lately because of money issues, no insurance, and I didn't qualify for this other free program everyone was telling me about. They take in crackheads, but not a single male with no kids who's staying with his parents. They've got it wrote up funny in the laws.

Friend: Have you been to the doctor? You could go to some doctor somewhere I'm sure. Don't complain about it if you're not going to the doctor. You can't whine about it if you're not trying to fix it. It's like you bring it up, but don't do anything about it to feel better.

Me: No, I don't have the money, and don't qualify for assistance. And I'm NOT whining about anything, you made me an issue and I'm answering, I'm not complaining....I just can't do much about it right now. Later, when I get things going again, I'll be able to take care of it. If I bring it up ever, its usually so people have context about what I'm dealing with so they won't wonder why I'm not as sharp as usual...or something. Sorry for bringing it up, friend! I'd say when your health goes to crap one day, you're going to be talking about it to people warning/informing them that you're not going to feel like yourself all the time....for them to keep that in mind and not expect you to operate at 100%. It'll happen...and someone might be there making you an issue...telling you that you're "whining." I say it to bring context...like a footnote as I'm talking.....or writing. It'd be like someone on drugs saying, "forgive me I'm high right now..." It gives context....because I'm not feeling great, or even good at times...I'm saying in a round about way to not expect me to be energetic, jumping up and down like a kid in order to prove that I"m happy. I am happy....even if I get frustrated or tangled in knots from time to time. [what i'd like to add to it]---(I am happy.....because I define my happiness my way. Just because you define happiness with your legos....doesn't mean they're going to necessarily work with my lego world in my definitions, because they're probably shaped/structured different.)

Friend: I'm just saying...you should go to the doctor so you'll feel better and be able to get around like you used to do. (End of composite conversation)


We misunderstand each other so easily. Its because we define our world our own way...using our own legos and assume other people are using similar legos to build their vision of reality. Some legos might be cross-platform compatible with other peoples' legos and some won't. We get into groups/social circles where our legos mix well with those groups.....and so on.


We forget that we're making our realities each moment.....that we're rendering a world in our minds.
If we work on communicating..........to know ourselves better, then our total understanding will grow....but never really be finished...because the world is full of change. It'll move things around on you in a hurry.
It lies in how we take in/handle/process information.....and also how we express it in our lives.

my early Self-inflicted Stockholm Syndrome

My early Self-inflicted Stockholm Syndrome with the church
(my images/ideas of a god held my mind hostage and I became loyal to them)------this is a dangerous problem in the world!!!!(especially with fundamentalists)

When I was younger, I went to church. I was told many things. They taught me what to think and to stay in that groove. I'd created an abstract, sometimes very vague, inconsistent set of images/ideas in my mind of what I thought god was...and what "he" was like. It was a vague impression of "him." Everyone actually has different ideas/images of what they THINK god is or isn't.

So, whenever I'd find out a new rule or commandment or something, I'd have to shape the image I had of this god fellow to be scary. I'd have to be afraid...basically scared into believing from the start. They told me from the start that this god fellow was going to auction off my soul to an S&M warden if I didn't do what they said. Basically they were extorting me in a way(socially&psychologically) by using my vulnerability against me, to follow/validate their beliefs. The truth is that I was extorting myself.....but didn't know I had a choice, because of my lack of knowledge of myself and the world. I was vulnerable to people taking advantage of my insecurities and creating more in the process to solidify their control....the control that I gave them.

I'd created these images of my ideas of a godhead in the sky who watched everything I did. I talked to the image as if it was separate from my thinking processes. I became afraid of it, paranoid of it. I created the idea that I was on "his" side....submitting to the fear.....developing self-inflicted Stockholm Syndrome. Basically agreeing to follow the church and what they said completely out of fear, but not admitting that....even though fear was the first "ORIGINAL" motivator(not understanding or love). The very "redneck" idea of: "if you're not with me you're against me," kept me spooked into believing....because I felt that I HAD to believe or else it was my butt. So it was definitely extortion.....by getting me to follow their lead/give them authority over my life for my security(both psychologically/socially). Like many christians pose, "its safer to believe than to not believe"......which is the famous wager people throw around. I think you could apply that to all those "demanding" religions....at the same time....why not believe them all??! It's not possible is it?

For years, I'd battled with myself...trying to find peace. I usually felt worse every time that I'd failed somehow...the lows were twice as bad as "normal" folks I'm sure. The images I created of an angered god in my head...to the images of my self being less than perfect and a failure.....it was all to give continuity to the story I was believing in...to make it "feel real." It was like I was paying for protection from a mob boss, who kept me fearful all the time. The odd thing is.......is that it was in my head....all of it.

The self-inflicted Schizophrenia was also a part of it. I talked to my mental created images of god as if they were different/separate from my thinking processes. If I didn't create them, how could I imagine myself talking to "him"? I did it to reassure myself that I was going to be ok, that I was going to go to heaven and all that propaganda. I wasn't aware of other outlooks....or whether they'd give me security. By seeking security I was actually creating insecurity in myself.

Christianity had held me hostage, kept me from being at peace, made me feel even worse/incomplete/less than, and it was basically a cycle of mental illness. I'm not saying I'm any better these days...lol. The only difference is, I no longer play that game of Self-Inflicted Stockholm Syndrome....or talk to an imaginary friend in the sky who's really in my head....in order to keep myself locked up in mental slavery. I do get that there are reasons people pray....it helps...but please DON'T DEMAND that I follow your lead...I've already been there.

It's a form of oppression....self-inflicted oppression. I learned FEAR AND GUILT from church. I did learn other things, but I probably could've learned them somewhere else eventually.

Later, when I got away from it, I started to get to where I could understand things better, understand myself better. When I understood myself and the world better, it was easier to find peace of mind.

You see, I think that we're all One with the creative energy....with no reward or punishment hanging over our heads because we're already complete and one with everything. Any psychological "incompleteness" we feel is brought on by THOUGHT. Of course we need to eat,etc...so that's not what we're talking about. IMO, We're that creative energy dreaming.....in its own play and dance. We're not separate from that creative energy, imo.

There are facts/relative truths that we can make images about...and then there are images that we make images about. Other people might give us images that aren't based on facts, but complete gossip/game of telephone...and may or may not be useful. We should try to figure that out and drop what's not useful. If we become more oppressed psychologically..........something's up.
My intentions in writing this....is to bring to light something, in hopes that you don't cause yourself or anyone else the pain of self-inflicted Stockholm syndrome.....living in fear, causing it, validating it, spreading it, reinforcing it.

If it were the TRUTH...you wouldn't need to SPOOK/covertly "hypothetically extort" people into following it. You could just point them to look inside their own mind and they'd see. You wouldn't need for them to develop self-inflicted Stockholm syndrome toward the images in their own mind. You'd want them to be free of every kind of oppression, especially the self-inflicted kind.

Most people just don't realize what they're doing(some cons/hustlers do)...........we're all taught to jump right in the rat race, to become another cog in the wheel of the machine, and we don't question it because it offers us rewards already set up by tradition. "Here kitty, kitty,kitty..." We're not aware of any other options and even if we were, most of us feel more comfortable going along with the group. This post was for people who are OPEN to listening to different points of view without creating ideas that I'm filled with "demons" or some nonsense like that. So, I hope it helped someone.

sharing my mushroom experiences

Please don't judge me for experimenting with shrooms or even sharing my experiences. I think you can take something from my stories without having to try these things yourselves. EDIT: My interpretations of my experiences are more "romantic" than scientific...but there remains some "scientific" analysis in my stories here.
[CNN report on mushrooms at bottom of post]

It's been over a year since my last shroom trip. I've decided to abstain for the time being. I still remember the last time well, and have shared the story with my close friends over the past year. It was actually the most productive as far as having an experience that could be called satori...or even "mushroom samadhi." That's probably something people would debate because of not being able to prove it before a zen master or something..i dunno what people would say...lol. They say to let go of these experiences as to not create images of them...but in hard times, the images and memories of that experience helps create peace in myself...by remembering it and the context/insights it produced.

The other times were also productive, but this last time produced a glimpse of forgetting my self....for however long it lasted. The feeling of "me" wasn't there. The perpetual creation of the presence of the "me"/self image/the thinker....wasn't there...it had stopped for however long. It was late at night, it was quiet, I was playing guitar. The notes of my guitar were playing so brilliantly...so alive...then it was noticed that the "me" wasn't there....only the notes, the hands playing guitar, the guitar,etc. "Where is it..where is that self-image??!!" In that one moment, a glimpse of what we're all doing in each moment was so clear. We've just been doing it since childhood, its difficult to stop it "on command" in order to get this glimpse, especially using thought to stop thought. That's like pushing an iron across the water's surface to still the waves. Meditation(watching the objects of awareness) is the usual method....if you want to use the word, method...for the goal. Everything was....and time stopped. It's all One and all things are vulnerable(edit: state of affairs as they are/change).

It was overwhelming...There had been pure experience without the "me" shadow as a part of present experience. I began to weep....for probably 20-30 minutes. I thought about my parents....everyone I knew in those moments after. All of our hopes, our dreams, everything we thought that we were...everything we held dear...we were all so vulnerable and innocent....my heart melted with compassion for everyone and everything. You cannot come away from an experience like that without being changed in some way.

Seeing the vulnerability, absolute innocence, and fragility of everyone and everything....in those moments you feel the words, "i am my brothers keeper," you feel & see that "we know not what we do." You feel a sense that you are "trusted" with seeing how our minds work, in order to be a caretaker of this world.....so to speak. As with all the other trips, you feel you've entered into the divine room...behind the divine curtain to see something special. You feel privileged...but of course, this is an interpretation of what happened...all of this is my interpretation of what happened.

What's encouraging is I recently have been reading other peoples' experiences and some were very similar to mine. I remember my first trip, everything seemed like it was nature....even floor tiles and man made things glimmered being of nature.........my friend's features looked like a troll or something from a storybook..everything was like a popup book sorta...the colors...its unlike anything you would ever experience normally. "Alice in Wonderland was apparently inspired by these things," I concluded. The Matrix movies made more and more sense... I even looked at my hand, the wrinkles of my knuckles inspired a thought that i was really a descendant of the reptiles...it was "so obvious that I was a cousin to the aligator!" I thought that my genetics were changing because the mushrooms were unlocking them somehow..lol. I was becoming more reptilian somehow...lol.

Those thoughts happen, just have to laugh them off. That first trip, I wasn't used to the body feeling, and no one told me about the "heavy" feeling and "upper body/face pressure" feeling you get on shrooms. So, my first time I panicked a little bit and had to lay down...but after a while, I decided i was going to enjoy it and stood up.. and settled into the body feeling thing that was going on. From then on, it was good. I layed down later that night with a big smile on my face........and woke up with a big smile on my face. I don't know why...i just had a big smile...like that cat from Alice in Wonderland. The days after all of the trips, I wrote my thoughts down. There was also the feeling of "what do I do now?" I wanted to share and talk about it A LOT......but its generally frowned upon in our society...which is a shame really.

Even Bill Hicks' description of his experiences remind me of my own. This is a Rare Video talking about Mushrooms. I wish he were still here, I'm really just finding out about him and he would fit right in with my friends and I for sure.

Also here's an MP3 of the same bit: http://www.jacobsm.com/hicks3.mp3 <--Download it!!!

CNN report on "magic mushrooms" about the long lasting POSITIVE effects

circumstances don't prove anything

I apologize ahead of time, this blog will be a slight venting on my part. Whatever your religion, I want you to know personally, I respect your faith. However, my venting will point out a very important misconception and misunderstanding between all faiths....and maybe nonfaiths even. I'm standing up and speaking out about old ways of thinking that have effected me and that keep people oppressed with fear/guilt/mental slavery. Peoples' minds should be allowed to explore....to seek their own Truth. ....in my opinion. Please understand this is intended to educate and possibly move the reader.....as well as the author.

Circumstances do not prove anything.........so quit oppressing the people who are already down on their luck and don't follow your particular faith!!!!!!

If I were born into a muslim country. They'd tell me this: "You are alone, you are unfortunate in your life, you are not blessed in circumstances because you are not a follower of Islam. Once you follow Islam, your life will change for the better and you will become fortunate."

I was actually born into a christian region(WV). They tell me this: "You are alone, you are unfortunate in your life, you are not blessed in circumstances because you are not a follower of christianity. Once you follow christianity, your life will change for the better and you will become fortunate."

Circumstances do not prove your faith is the right one. If everyone of every faith used their personal sincerity and "fortunate" circumstances as the gauge of being of the "right religion," then that would mean there would be many truths, some even contradicting the others. Everyone would be exclaiming to everyone else that their ideas are "right" because of their relative fortunate circumstances. Wait, isn't this what we're doing already???!!

I'm just saying that circumstance is no indicator that your life is evidence [of your being fortunate enough] to be involved with the only absolutely right religion. It's an afterthought to justify your decisions as being "in line" with your ideas of your "god's will." Its a way of validating your religion by using circumstance as a CONVENIENT so-called indicator. I used to be a believer of the mainstream god [with his humanoid "limited" capacity for reason/understanding/compassion], and every believer has their own idea of god and at the same time, they all pretend that everyone should somehow have the same ideas. Let's be blunt and realistic...people make up their own ideas of god, and pretend they're all thinking the same thing....and then pointing their fingers at everyone who doesn't follow their faith in some way. Not everyone does this, but it happens for sure. I'm not picking on anyone, just stating that this happens. You have every right to believe what you want, just don't organize a society/community to shun anyone who fails to buy into it. Also,...please don't tell me that I'm "shunning the shunners" either.....that's an attempt to discredit my intentions, thereby discrediting my statements. ;) keep reading if you've made it this far....my intentions are to point out things, for people to grow from it (including myself). I'm having second thoughts about even posting this, but...

If i lived in a Muslim country and did not believe in Islam, my circumstances would be limited because Muslim women marry Muslim men. I would probably have a hard time altogether, and my circumstances would become unfortunate. So, its not a matter of god, its a matter of how people treat each other/social politics. This happens.

Give me room to think for myself please....I'll always give you room...just don't insist your circumstances prove anything exclusive or special when it comes to your religion.

The only reason I say any of this is....I have to vent. I am surrounded by "believers" who have no interest in truly knowing themselves, but they still insist you see things their way and jump on their bandwagon that's just as much, if not more confused than my own. WV is not the most progressive place socially. Some really stand out with their "beliefs" as somehow validated by circumstance. If I were born anywhere else....they'd be doing the same things...only a different set of beliefs. This is a fact...now what to do with this in our own lives....that's the question.

My other argument to the "moral issue": Even though I do not believe in the mainstream ideas of god, that doesn't mean I can't be a moral person. I'm NOT an Atheist either....I say that I don't know what all this is.....and that's that. I find more beauty in the world with its mystery than I ever did when I was a believer in that redneck idea of a god everyone told me about. I felt more spiritual once I got away from those ideas. I don't like ideas that limit peoples' lives.....limit them from enjoying life...as well as ideas that have kept me from enjoying my own. If you need your faith to be moral, than by all means, keep it...or shop around for other helpful philosophies. I still borrow from all religions/philosophies. Its just when we exclude the possibility of doubt.....that causes trouble for us all I think.

Life is open....we're the ones who build up boxes to live in.... We're either open....or closed.....or in between open and closed. Either way, we can always start from where we're at......and start over. It's just the people around us who remember things...and try to remind us of who they think we are. Be who you want to be. I'm done writing, my sugar is getting low.

PEACE!
Thanks for reading.