journal

I'm just writing in a journal form, without stating what I've dealt with over the years...with my ex gf, which is really our shared pain. Its written in a way that others can maybe draw something useful from it(hopefully)....without having to know the details of my particular situation. It has been a great pain among life's other issues.

It is a lid....just another hat..a portion of legos stacked together....just another structure being formed out of thought and its ideas of things with emotional pools being triggered. The thought of yourself, of your life, of what happened those years ago.... are ideas of what happened, holding yourself accountable for not knowing how things would go doesn't free your mind. You will live with these memories for the rest of your life, and if you choose to create and re-create similar renditions of that same old song, you will find yourself in pain every time. If we are creating anyway, why not create a new rendition, with a new flavor, that actually sooths and nourishes your life??? Why not open up to a new way of seeing things?

You have filled your heart with affection for her and her children especially....knowing this is the way. You've not wished for any bittersweetness or "poor me" feelings to lie down with in a hole(marinating), you know this is the easy way, the way of creating that story to keep you company, to oddly comfort you, to excuse you for not having the energy and zest you once did in life. The definitions of the ideal life have hypnotized you into wishing for it....instead of enjoying the life you already have, and going from there.

She's changed, you've changed.....everything's changed. Any story left over is of your own doing...by juggling the details keeping them fresh....by allowing this pattern of memories to play again and again. A new chapter cannot truly begin until you've released the pain and any thoughtforms that produce pain, with respect to this big issue. There may be small fragments lingering, but they usually present themselves only when something stimulates the past memories to bubble up. Live.....then reflect....but don't expect it ever to be always smooth sailing. The sense of "urgency" can be good for some things, but when it comes to emotional things.....sometimes, its not so good. Relax, know this moment.

There is no "bitter sweet", unless there is regret and that lack of acceptance in what has already happened. All you can do is see the big picture with its inclusive nature, and keep moving on. It's a given that you can't turn back the events and change things. Fill yourself with affection and the search for understanding of things....knowing this is the way. You can only go from here, this new blank slate. You can only move from here. Life is open but we're drawing the lines.