a little about me

I won't go into it much, but last summer I had several panic attacks. Not anxiety attacks, PANIC attacks, with physical symptoms associated with panic attacks. I was stressed, and did have anxiety building up about my life. I fell out of work, money had run out, I had to sell my truck, the future was looking very uncertain. That uncertainty was overwhelming. Other possible triggers were ideas surrounding my health. I have never been to the doctor for my sugar, but I've tested it with my meter and other peoples' meters, and it's been relatively higher than is should be. Plus, I have partied a little in my day. So with all these things, I added up that something could be wrong with me. I wasn't feeling well, and so became anxious about every little sensation or dizzy feeling....basically psyched myself into a panic. I also convinced myself that I was agoraphobic....so, I'm going to stop there. I'm still hanging around the house most of the time.

I have a big interest in Zen Buddhism, though I wouldn't call myself a zen buddhist because the label can be what people get caught up in. They say that to study Buddhism is to study yourself. I was already studying Buddhism over the years and didn't know it. To some, who don't know why I question things, I'm just neurotic...lol. Which I can understand that, because I have one foot in tradition and the other foot in questioning traditional thinking....so naturally it's a bit neurotic to be a Westerner who tries to live in the matrix of tradition and also at the same time be free of it. It may look that way because its a big big big task to take up....trying to see “if there can be a fundamental change in consciousness”.....as they might say. It's far easier to just fall into the same patterns of behavior that we're taught by our peers, than to take the risk of thinking differently. So, basically if you take up studying yourself, its like adding “extra homework” to your life in a way. It can make life stranger.....and more confusing if you're not completely sick of life the way it is. I was sick of the way life was going when my search started.

My search started around the time my grandmother became ill. A Wayne Dyer tv special was on PBS. I was worried about my grandmother and found myself open to what he was saying. Then my grandmother died and a search for some answers began. I was involved in church when I was younger, but things changed and I decided it wasn't for me. So, there was an investigation into whether anything else out there clicked.

The years after my grandmother died, I read many books and listened to many audio talks of different teachers/speakers,etc. I had remembered experiences when I was younger that were validated by what I was reading. When I had early childhood experiences of naturally stumbling onto "self-inquiry," they seemed so odd and a little scary then. I remember thinking, "if I keep this up, I might go crazy." I even remember asking a friend of mine if they noticed that the "me" was right there....”in my mind...so who sees it?” Of course, back then I couldn't explain it like that but I remember trying to explain it. There was no frame of reference for self inquiry or what meditation was. So, when I had those experiences as a kid, it was so odd and socially unacceptable even among children, I covered up that whole thing and was in denial about it as being useful or important or noteworthy. Anyway, during my search those memories during my childhood surfaced. I think children stumble on these things because they're still open and learning in life. Though, if I'd been born in India, instead of the Western world, I might have known about these things.

Please don't judge, but I have experimented with psychedelic mushrooms. The idea was to have a mystical experience and of course there were some very interesting/noteworthy experiences. I'll eventually post some notes I wrote down, and some things I wrote following the experiences. I DO NOT encourage any use of any mind altering substance. You use your own judgment and read up on the risks. You don't need these things. I will say though, those few experiences added a point of reference so to speak. However, again...you don't need them. You can meditate and dedicate yourself to meditation/self inquiry and gain insights/understanding this way, which is a lot safer/healthier.

I'm an electrician out of work...who's living with his parents. Yippy! I might do better with George Costanza's line from Seinfeld. As of right now, I'm undecided about what kind of work I want to start searching for....might go for office work. Not sure yet. I live in Charleston,WV. I used to be in martial arts as a kid. I'm into playing guitar, bass, mandolin....and I've been trying to sing a little the past few years.

I really enjoy talks about life. I've learned a lot from talking with people and look forward to talking with anyone reading this.

Anyway, once I get situated with this account, I'll start visiting other pages and hope to meet interesting folks. If I ever disappear for a few days, its because I'll be busy with things, but I'll be back soon. Until next time, Take care. --J.